Rerelease | Finding Balance: The Connected Centre in Leadership | #3

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Hi, my name is Dave Morris and welcome to the next episode in our Leadership Unscripted series, part of Unleash youh Impact, Unlock Others, the podcast about inspiring leadership.

My guest today, as usual, is Rich Horton.

Hi, Rich.

Hi there.

And today we're going to talk about self leadership, particularly what Rich and I call the Connected Center.

Now, just to give people an understanding what we mean by that.

Leaders need knowledge, they need skills, they need experience, all of those things help.

But actually, probably fundamentally what they need is a mindset that they can manage well and optimize to allow them to perform at their best.

Rich.

So at the heart of our connected leadership model is what we call the Connected Centre.

We were talking about this last time, Dave, weren't we?

Yeah.

And essentially a person who operates from their connected center is somebody who's grounded, they're self aware, they have the ability to use that awareness to manage themselves effectively and they operate from, from a place of confidence.

And essentially we call that being emotionally intelligent.

Okay, so let's explore this concept of mindset management, because if that's where actually a lot of our barriers are, in its mindset issues that stop us, let's explore how we can do something about that.

So when we say about mindset management, let's be clear about what we mean.

So what are the elements of mindset management we need to tap into?

And then we'll talk about best practice in terms of how we actually make that a reality.

Yeah, yeah.

So just imagine you're, you're in a meeting, I've been in many meetings in the past where, you know, the temperature of the room starts to go up and people start to get maybe a little bit fractious or maybe they start to challenge you.

And that can be quite challenging because what that starts to do is that starts to drive an emotional reaction in us that can be quite difficult to manage.

And what we find is certain people will trigger us more deeply than others.

So the ability to be grounded and self aware and to manage those triggers in a healthy, effective way is at the heart of what we call Connected Centre.

So clearly a lot of what we do is driven by our emotional response to things.

Yes, I'm guessing before that though, actually as that stimulus comes into us from something someone said to us or something they've done, we don't necessarily see that unfiltered do we.

That all of us have a set of filters.

And I think we need to explore what we mean by that.

That filter, that sensory information that we're taking in.

It's not just we're all taking in exactly the same thing.

We're taking it in through our own set of filters.

Do you want to expand on what that means?

Yeah.

We have different layers of filters as human beings.

So we have our five senses.

Yeah.

Those in and of themselves are filters.

And actually, because of our, you know, different preferences and different wirings, we will notice different things that come in through our.

Through our five senses.

So one of the key, I guess, filters is our own set of core values, the rules in which we prefer to live our life by.

Yeah.

So how does that impact our emotional reaction?

I mean, for example, think about the beliefs that have been instilled in you from childhood, either through parents, significant caregivers, teachers, or whatever.

So, for example, my parents instilled in me the need to be very deferential to people in authority.

For better, for worse.

Okay.

Never question.

Yeah.

Somebody in authority.

Yeah.

Okay.

So in the context of being a leader and a senior person engaging with other senior people in the organization, there's a danger that those beliefs will filter and shape the way I emotionally respond to people in the organization.

So, for example, if I'm not aware of those beliefs and filters and how they're impacting the way, I think I could behave in a very deferential, passive way to people in meetings.

Did you find when you were younger that actually that's exactly what happened?

Exactly.

You weren't aware of that and actually you became deaf Reg when.

When probably it wasn't the right thing to do.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, I remember a particular director I was.

I was working with.

He was.

He was brilliant, actually.

This.

He was a great leader.

But I was relatively young, relatively inexperienced, and I was metaphorically wearing short trousers when I walked into.

Yeah.

When I walked into his office.

Yeah.

And fortunately, I had some coaching that to help me recognize that and understand how actually those beliefs and those values that have been instilled, you know, sometimes they can be helpful, sometimes they can be really unhelpful.

So those filters shape our emotional response.

So I guess these.

Unlocking what these filters are.

So we're talking about our own core values.

We're talking about our own preferences, because we all have our own set of preferences, whether that's be how we think and process information.

It might be a behavioral preference.

There's a myriad of profiling Tools that will tell you what your preferences are.

But I'm also guessing it's about experiences.

It's about the experiences we've had growing up in our lives that also act as a filter.

Do you want to expand on that a bit and maybe give an example of how that's impacted you?

You know, when we go through an experience, the experiences we tend to remember or tend to have an impact on us again in the future.

So for example, if somebody in your past has lost their temper with you, the way you responded to that at the time and your interpretation of what went on, you'll take that experience and you're almost like superimposed that experience onto other experiences that are similar.

It's the way the brain is wired.

So the brain tends to say, oh, here's that situation coming along again.

And it tends to, to pull in the way we've learned to respond to past experiences.

Sometimes they're good.

Yeah.

And sometimes they're not so healthy, not so good.

I guess it's the unhealthy ones where you really need to be mindful of.

Exactly, exactly.

Okay.

And I guess a lot of this is going on unconsciously, subconsciously, outside of our awareness.

In other words, that's the challenge, you know, so there are a number of different aspects that make up the human mind.

We've talked about the filters.

Yeah.

And those filters trigger what we call the emotional response.

We call that the hot head.

The hot head.

Yeah, in Zentano.

But the other aspect of, of the mind, the other aspect of the connected center, as we call it, is what we call the cool head.

The ability to be aware of the filters and the emotional responses and the relationship between the two.

So this is where we tap into logical evidence based information.

Yes, partly that, but it's more about the ability to take a step away, to not get bound up with our emotional responses.

So let's go back to that situation we talked about earlier where the temperature of the room starts to rise.

You know, people may be banging their fists on the desk.

They may be challenging you and you get emotionally triggered and you become subject to that emotional response.

The red mist rises.

It's a bit like Max Versappen in F1.

Yeah.

You know, there have been a couple of races this season where the red mist has come down and just completely dominates the way we behave.

So that's when we become subject to our emotions.

You know, whether that's the red mist or whatever it is, the cool head is the ability to lift us out of that and to see our emotions more as objects that we can manage and engage with in a more healthy way.

So it gives us a healthy detachment.

Yeah.

So what we're doing is critically reflecting, but we're also making conscious choice how we're going to respond.

Exactly right.

And I think that bit about conscious, because our emotion sometimes is an unconscious choice, we just run with it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that's how human beings are programmed to work, isn't it?

We, we can't analyze every piece of information in front of us, otherwise we'd be paralyzed.

So we do often let our emotions carry us away.

It can be problematic.

Yeah.

And I think that the point I really want to stress here around the connected center, you've got the filter, you've got the hot head and you've got the cool head.

And it's about the healthy symbiotic relationship between those three.

It's not about suppressing the emotions.

That's really important.

It's about developing a healthy relationship, awareness of the emotions, so aware of why they're being triggered, and an awareness of how to healthily process them.

So it's not about suppressing them.

Yeah, no, I get, I get that.

So I guess in terms of practical tips for people listening to this, everything starts with self awareness.

So if a leader is there listening to this and thinking.

Right, okay, where do I start in terms of becoming a leader who can do mindset management?

Well, I guess the starting point from what we've said is are you aware of your filters?

Are you aware of your own set of personal core values?

Are you aware of your preferences and how they play out and how they impact other people?

Are you aware of some of the experiences you've had in the past?

Not just the bad ones, but also the good ones and how they impact you as well?

So I think building up a bank of self awareness and particularly how you respond to those is really important.

There are two aspects to this.

There is definitely building that bank of self awareness.

That's super important.

We've, you know, we've talked about things like journaling.

Yeah.

Taking time out to reflect, if you like.

That's the meta part.

The overarching habit over time improves your self awareness.

And with increased self awareness, we can then use that in the moment to self manage.

Yeah.

So what the reflective practice does is it builds the ability to be reflexive in the moment.

So good leaders are reflective.

Okay.

That's the overarching habit to reflect and to critically evaluate yourself.

But good leaders use that pool of knowledge.

I think That's a really good phrase you've used there.

To then respond reflexively in the moment.

In the moment.

Yeah, in the moment.

In the moment.

So that's that, that's the healthy engagement of the cool head to manage the hot head and understand how the filters are driving that.

So going back to your example, you're in a meeting, you are there with somebody quite senior, they say something that you don't really like, and if you're not aware of your filters, you might be very deferential and just not challenge them on it when actually you need to challenge them on it.

That's an example of how that might play out.

But the aware leader would better manage themselves and think, I've just been triggered by that comment.

It might make you feel angry, frustrated, whatever it might make you feel.

But actually I'm going to manage that in a healthy way and I'm going to actually challenge that comment in a healthy way.

That's the positive.

Yes.

And I think it's developing the ability in the moment to say, right, stop.

Oh, that's really interesting.

I've just noticed that I've been triggered.

What can I do differently?

Well, rather than come at this conversation as the boy in short trousers, actually what I'm going to do is I'm going to engage more adult approach to this, you know, so.

So this person might be in a more senior role than me.

Yeah.

But actually what I'm going to do is regardless of their seniority, I'm going to engage with them on a one to one basis as an adult, as opposed to the metaphorical, you know, boy in short trousers.

Yeah.

So it's the ability to manage those triggers and manage those filters in the moment.

So it's the ability to say stop, almost like take a breath.

Yeah.

Notice what's going on.

Yeah.

Analyze.

That's really interesting.

And then choosing to respond in a.

Different way and the conscious choices is a big part.

And emotional intelligence.

Yeah.

So let's, let's move this conversation on to talk about emotional intelligence, because we've mentioned this in the previous podcasts that good leaders are emotionally intelligent leaders.

Good leaders will strive to develop their levels of emotional intelligence.

And I think when you interact with people who are very emotionally intelligent and can behave in that way, it does have a different impact.

It does, yeah.

Yeah.

So let's just explore that a bit more.

So emotional intelligence, how do we develop it?

What does good look like?

Let's just explore some of these themes.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

So the research is quite clear because at the heart of emotional intelligence is good level of self awareness and the ability to manage that awareness with a healthy relationship with your emotional life.

So how does somebody know that they're emotionally intelligent?

That's a good question.

People might think they are, but actually are they?

It's actually really difficult to self assess your self awareness because if you think about it, part of self awareness is having blind spots and by definition you can't know what your blind spots are.

Absolutely.

So it's quite difficult to self assess.

But there's a couple of things the research has suggested.

Absolutely.

You can do a couple of habits you can put in place that usually will result in you becoming more emotionally intelligent.

Okay.

Reflective practice is what we talked, we talked about a lot and we'll keep banging on about this in the series.

So taking time out, journaling, or even if it's not journaling, just taking time out to critically reflect.

Critically reflect is important.

So in other words, the humility and the desire to want to challenge yourself and not be defensive and I guess.

If you find that difficult to do for yourself, you can engage another human being in that.

But that's the other thing is getting feedback.

Yeah.

And being open to feedback.

If you're going to ask for feedback, it's really important you're aware of how you respond to the feedback, particularly when it's feedback you don't want to hear.

Yeah.

So you can't ask for feedback and say, oh, I don't like what I'm hearing, I'm going to respond in a negative way to it.

Yeah.

So if you remember in the very first podcast we talked about the micro behaviors of the leader.

Absolutely.

You know, so somebody gives you feedback you don't want to hear and then you raise your eyebrows or your micro body language sort of just demonstrates you're being fairly defensive about that.

People are not going to want to give you honest feedback.

Yeah.

Okay.

So creating the environment for people to give you honest feedback and being receptive to that is key.

So that's reflective practice and feedback.

And I guess an emotionally intelligent leader would actually proactively seek feedback.

They wouldn't wait to seek.

They wouldn't wait to be told or receive that feedback.

They would actually go and proactively.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

The third thing that the research says very clearly can help you develop that sense of awareness and ability to self manage is mindfulness practice.

Yeah.

Which can take various forms.

Which can take various forms.

So for some people it might be quite spiritual.

For some people it might be, you know, just Very simply sort of watching the breath.

But the evidence is super clear.

You know, people that engage in mindfulness practice.

There's a correlation between mindfulness practice and developing emotional intelligence.

And I think what we need to do is so that people understand what we mean by mindfulness.

And it doesn't mean you have to spend half an hour in a lotus position chanting, no, it could be that, it could be that.

And there's nothing wrong with that.

But I mean, you know, I play a lot of competitive tennis sometimes actually in the moment, because you talked about being reflexive and actually being able to manage yourself in the moment.

Actually, I'm about to play a big point.

I'm about to maybe serve for a really important match and actually I'm feeling nervous and I'm actually needing to just going away and doing a bit of mindfulness breathing while I'm walking to the back of the court to pick up a ball, engaging in some deep breathing, get in my mind so that the only thing in my mind is where am I going to put this syrup?

That is mindfulness.

Well, it's being mindful in the present, I think.

I think just to be clear, when I talk about mindfulness practice, the research is talking about the discipline of engaging in something like watching your breathing.

When they talk about mindfulness, they usually talk about that discipline.

But that, I mean, doing what you're doing in the context of tennis is also great practice as well.

Well, it's putting yourself in a mindful state, isn't it?

I guess that's what we're talking about.

So what we're saying is this doesn't have to be something that takes a lot of time.

It's.

It could be, it could just be a matter of 30 seconds a minute.

It doesn't have to be 30 minutes an hour, but it could be.

Yeah.

And there's, but, but there is real benefit in engaging in the discipline of mindfulness.

Totally agree.

Okay.

We talked about the importance of values because our core values are something that we develop as we grow up and we are subject to various different experiences.

Where does values led leadership come in with all of this?

In terms of having a connected center?

Where does values led leadership come in?

A lot of leaders are unaware of the values.

In other words, values are things that are important to us that fundamentally drive our decision making and our attitudes and our behaviours.

So a lot of leaders perhaps lack some awareness around what their core values are.

Yeah, I would agree.

No, I would agree.

If we were to develop actually an awareness of our values that means that the career decisions that we make, the decisions we make in leadership, if they're aligned with our values, we're much more likely to be in situations where we feel energized and engaged.

Okay, I'm guessing also if you are a leader that has done that little bit of work and worked out, what are these core values that are so fundamentally important to me?

They become your decision making tool as well.

Yes, they become your decision making tool.

Yeah.

And you will consciously then put yourself into roles and situations where they're aligned with your values.

Because I mean, for example, if you have a particular value and you're in an organization that operates on a values level that's counter to what you believe, you're going to find that very challenging and very inhibiting and very, very difficult to operate in an authentic way.

So this idea of authenticity, consciously putting yourself into a situation that's aligned with your values is really important.

You know, the world is not a perfect place.

No.

And we can't be in jobs that are perfectly aligned to our values.

But by being aware of the values, we can start to make choices that take us into situations that's close, more closely aligned with our values where we can act in a way that's more authentic.

If you act in a way that's more authentic, that's going to unleash our potential and it means that it's going to drive passion and purpose in terms of the way we operate.

Okay.

So that's, I think, a good explanation about what we mean by values.

Led leadership.

So the last thing today then, balancing and flexing.

Because we talked about the connected leadership model and we talked about the connected center, that's all about being flexible and adaptive.

So what are the practical things we need to do to manage that?

Well, well, we've all come across leaders, I think that flip flop.

Yeah, we've probably done that ourselves in the past.

Let's be honest and unpredictable.

You know, you go into them, you never know what version of that person is going to turn up.

You're not sure of what decision that they're going to make.

When we talk about a leader who's grounded, who's balanced, they're connected to their connected centre and they bring that self awareness to their decision making in a really skillful way.

And I think, you know, there's a couple of things we can do to enable us to stay grounded, if you like.

One very simple one is to be really aware of our breathing.

So our mind and our emotions are intimately linked, intrinsically linked.

To our physiology.

Yeah.

Okay.

So if our hot system is triggered, you know, our adrenaline is flowing through our system that's going to impact the way we think.

And the way we think would drive our emotional response.

If we can manage our physiology in a healthier way through deeper breathing, being aware of our breathing and just noticing what's happening with our breathing on a regular basis will bring huge benefits.

To be able to stay grounded, to be self aware and the ability to self manage.

Okay, so that's one.

Breathing.

Yeah, breathing is really important.

Talked about journaling.

We talked about journaling quite a lot.

I think there is benefit to the habit of a handwritten journal.

Yes, I agree.

Okay.

The evidence out there suggests that handwriting is really beneficial in terms of engaging the whole of the brain.

What's interesting is when we type, typing is a very sequential activity.

I think it tends to be quite left brained.

Okay, okay.

When we hand write, it's a more holistic activity because we're sort of creatively engaging different parts of the brain.

You know, we're handwriting and forming letters in quite a flowing way.

It's interesting because obviously you come from a very strong IT background.

I don't.

But actually when you actually prefer handwritten journaling to any kind of digital version.

Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I do.

So if I'm engaged in reflective practice, I use handwriting.

And also there is evidence to suggest that when we handwrite, it helps us to process stuff more objectively because we're engaging the whole brain.

So handwritten journaling is also a good way to stay grounded and to process.

Okay.

So preparing our mindset to perform at our optimum level requires the ability to breathe, the ability to step back and reflect.

Is there anything else we should consider?

Yeah.

So it goes back to the point I was making earlier.

So the journaling is the meta part of developing our emotional intelligence.

The ability to be reflexive in the moment is super important.

Yeah.

Okay.

So if you think about top sports stars, I'm a big fan of F1, as you know.

You are.

You are.

And a lot of racing drivers and a lot of top sports people have performance habits that they put in place to prepare their mindset for the race or for the match or for the.

Or for the occasion.

So that could be visualization techniques.

It could be visualizations.

It would include brief breathing.

I know Alex Albom, an F1 driver, engages in mindfulness practice before races, for example.

He meditates.

All of these things, you know, prepares the mindset.

Your ability to be reflexive in the Moment.

Now, in the context of organizations, I've been a leader in an organization where I've had diaries that are just literally chock a block end to end meetings.

You can't sit cross legged in an office and sort of meditate before you go into a meeting.

Might be able to do it at home actually if you're in hybrid working, but usually you don't have the time to do that.

No.

But even just taking a couple of minutes to prepare yourself before you go into a meeting where you've given yourself just a little bit of processing space is a really important part of getting your mindset in the right place for those different situations.

Remember that client we worked with a while ago that off the back of one of the workshops that we ran around, around this sort of stuff in terms of mindset management, they changed their policy on how meetings were put into diaries.

And there was a policy that they enacted to say that all meetings had to finish five minutes before the time that was allocated in the diary to give people time to prepare their mindset for the next meeting.

And I think that's a really good, good little policy and it worked.

It's a very good practical way of doing it.

I think, reflecting on what I've done before as well.

I think there are things like, I mean, we'll go into this in future episodes, but affirmations can be a great way of preparing your mindset to actually perform at your optimum level as well.

So I know I've used that myself a number of times in the past.

Okay, so that's probably it for today.

Two practical tips.

One for me, one for me to take away today that people can go and actually try straight away and try and get this practice of mindset management moving in the right direction for them.

What would your tip be today?

So I think I'll go back to the reflexive part of what we talked about.

So I think it's really difficult to be reflexive.

In other words, the ability to self manage in the moment in situations where we're under pressure.

Yeah.

Okay.

So my top tip would be, is to practice being reflexive.

So in other words, you know, say to yourself, stop, breathe, notice what's going on.

Practice doing that in situations where you feel relaxed and you're not under pressure.

Yeah.

So you might be in a meeting where you don't have to engage actively at that moment, take that opportunity to stop notice what's going on, to breathe and just self manage.

So it's a little bit like practicing taking penalties for a footballer.

So in other words that's your training ground practice where you're not under pressure that then builds the muscle for you to manage yourself reflexively when you're being challenged.

Yeah, I think my top tip would be linked to self awareness.

Find an exercise to flesh out what your core values are.

I think for me, I mean I'll give an example why I think it's important because you can do this even with children.

My daughter was experiencing as an 11 year old and I did the same values elicitation exercise that I did for myself a few years ago with her.

I didn't call it values, I called it building blocks but it's the same thing and she really got it, she really found it useful to give her some principles to how she manages relationships going forward.

So I think you know, even if 11 year old can do it, imagine how beneficial it's going to be for an adult.

So find a way of doing a valleys elicit meditation exercise.

I think that would be a great way of starting to make better conscious positive decisions.

Good.

So thank you for listening everybody.

Thank you.

We will be back next time our first guest of the series talking about the fears that hold us back.

Yeah, that's a good friend of mine, Andy Flack and a friend of yours.

As well so thank you everybody, have a good day.